These ancient, jawless fish with tooth-filled, funnel-shaped, sucking mouths are nature’s original freeloaders. These Petromyzontiformes lurk in the Black Sea, the western Mediterranean, and the Atlantic Ocean between Europe and North America; and, thanks to globalization, have ended up in the Great Lakes. They spend a brief part of their adult lives lying in wait to attach their lazy eel like hides onto a larger, passing aquatic lifeform. Their mouths allow them to suction cup their bodies to a live fish and chew through the skin with their tongue to gain access to the living tissue and blood vessels underneath. To certain species of fish, such as sharks, they’ve learned to tolerate their 12-to-18-month freeloader who drops off to go spawn and die. To other species who have not encountered them in their development, such as lake trout, these unwitting predators succumb to the vicious vampires of the sea. Their complexity to live off the energy of a host, without killing it, is partially due to its 100 to 170 pairs of chromosomes as compared to a human’s 46 pairs. However, humans are a very observant species and mimics what it sees in nature. This has given rise to a breed of Homo Sapiens that create no usable value and merely attach themselves to productive artisans. The governing politicians are experts at this, as they pay themselves with their host’s money and produce nothing to write home about. Salesmen also swim in this river of money suckers and lie in wait to attach themselves onto their next victim (customer). To date though, the worst is the internet spammer that affixes their slimy selves to web sites with useful information. These lampreys of the electronic streams are awash with pathetic products as they attach themselves to as many sites as their little, pointy teeth can bite into. These useless parasites need a quick trip to England, where royalty gets to sit down to a scrumptious meal of delicious, well cooked, lamprey pie. Oh me, oh my!

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