Ken Kough limped into the orthopedic doctor’s office with a grimace on his aging face and 3 aspirin grinding between his molars. The intense pain that his worn-out hip was broadcasting was taking a toll on his performance as a hydraulic wizard that solved people’s fluid power problems. Mr. Kough needed to address this distraction before this affliction created even more problems, such as falling off of bar stools. With insurance papers in hand and self-identification information in his head, he sought out the best surgeon that the old south could muster. Back in the days of the Civil War, tree surgeons were hired by armies on both sides to saw off a damaged limb as fast as they could. With practice, they made one cut through the bone, just above all the damage, and then another through the meat 2″ higher. This would guarantee enough tissue to close and pad the wound. Ken was seeking the best saw sorcerer he could find. One that could tell the difference between a hip socket and a white ash crotch. Success. Dr. Ling Quistik, who spoke very little English, came highly recommended from the Veterinarian’s guild and was Ken’s top carver of choice. Dr. Quistik performed the highly skilled surgery of making 2 incisions to access the hip joint. He then placed 3′ of fresh umbilical cord in the worn socket similar to packing a hydraulic valve’s stem with graphite. The stem cells within took up the slop and the pain were eradicated. Mr. Kough was issued a certified X-ray to show all doctors, and TSA technicians in the future, his replacement hip. The medical industry cannot condone stem cell implantation, lest it upset the Roe v. Wade crowd. Nobody really knows that fake joints in the human body are instantly attacked by the immune system. So, millions of Americans are walking around with bogus X-rays that shows their successful, artificial joint implants. Their secret shall remain safe within the medical community, where big money buys absolute and complete silence within. 

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