With all the suburban country clubs dismantled and turned into a Monopoly Board of hotels, Boardwalk, and Park Place houses, American salesmen need a location to wine and dine their clientele. The current decree of social distancing of 6′ has cut restaurant capacities in half and has forced the smaller entities out of business. The 6′ rule was obtained by an Olympic Committee of judges that preside over long jump contestants and have determined that athletic viruses are limited to a 5’11” jump. That is pretty impressive when noting that viruses don’t have legs, let alone brains to figure out what the hell they’re jumping to. Regardless of that commonsense breakdown, salespeople have to sell their products and bribery is the preferred method. Give a buyer a perk and he’ll sign anything. Here is where golf shines. Taking place outdoors and in good weather, the sport (if that’s what you want to call it) centers around a bunch of businessmen striking up deals on the grassy links with plenty of hot babes driving alcohol-laden carts. Once these real estate goldmines were chopped into sterile condos full of fat, rich bitches (the husbands all died from extramarital affairs), a new demand arose for cheaper golf courses. Enter city cemeteries. Building columns between the graves, high rise apartments, condos, or hotels created the fairways within, and modifications ensued. Most vertical tombstone were changed to ground slabs that were designated “bouncers.” On any given hole, 15 to 50 vertical tombstones were left and designated “bankers” to add some interest to an otherwise boring game. Now with various rock slabs placed all down the fairways, the skill level has just been increased and people will have to earn their respect. Sales are expected to triple as the drunken players can now sleep right on the Gulf course hotels. They’ll be amongst the other dead souls who have been swindled into buying defective shit by unsavory golf pro salespeople long ago. 

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