CYCLISTS

3/7/2021 

The 2 types of humans that operate 2-wheeled transportation like drug addicts are: the pedalers and the pushers. The pedalers are an athletic bunch that sees their mode of transportation as a healthy lifestyle. Using bicycles of various designs, they utilize their appendages to mechanically propel themselves down sidewalks, paths, and streets to burn calories and improve their cardiovascular system. They range from leisure style to full blown competition style techniques and can be seen riding up an 8% grade, flat out in order to beat their fellow riders or their personal best times. Their motivation is legendary, and their hero is a juiced-up superman named, Lance. Not wanting to ride on million-dollar, tax paid bike paths, these assleaks are hell bent on riding in auto lanes, up mountain passes, going ball (referencing Lance’s single testicle) to the walls to attain superfitness. Prodding death with 1-and-a-half-ton iron cages, these cyclists rely on their quick reaction times and an assumption that the car driver knows where they are. As the cyclists push death, the car crowds are cussing their recklessness and wonder why they paid for bike paths. The other crowd is a group of rambunctious biker thugs who elected to trade an internal combustion engine for their leg power. These pushers will throw spark plugs and ball bearings at any motorist who infringes on their space. The common thread between the 2 groups is that they are both flirting with death and, if their luck fails, they become organ donors. As a future recipient, try and get an organ from the pedaler because their organs will be in fine shape. The pusher’s organs on the other hand will be saturated in beer and fatty foods. They may fail you 2 months to a year after you take possession. Not a good trade after all that surgical suffering you just endured. So, procure that gift of life with a cyclist’s death and chose your donor wisely before you run ’em off the road. 

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