FOOD CRITICS

3/19/2021

Hitting the highways with an empty stomach and an empty existence, the munchie monitors are out in full force looking to prepare a report on all the food forts that one may encounter. These self proclaimed culinary critics are hanging out in cybervolume waiting to fill you in on their experiences. They ply the restaurants that you may someday encounter. These gifted semi-important gastronomic gabbers will inform the rest of the world, exactly what awaits the clientele who wish to know  what lurks in the 1,787 Applebee’s out there. Sent out like a British Scientific Expedition, these experts will create extensive reviews of the supper clubs and greasy spoons that are just waiting to serve you up. Prior to yesteryear’s unknown adventure to a hog’s trough of culinary delight; modern technology has allowed us to put test monkeys in there first and write up reports. These food freaks will fill you in before you even set foot on their sticky floors. The food was: Cold, Dry, Greasy, Late, Lousy, Tasteless and Tepid are just a few of adjectives used often by the objective reviewers who saw fit to analyze their meals with no monetary gain. They also critique the staff’s appearance just in case you want to eat them too. Compliments of: Unruly, Slow, Forgetful, Incompetent, Rude and Arrogant fill their blogs as they now have graduated to character assassinations. Because these marauding morons don’t get paid, they have a tendency to spot any flaw from a mile away and let you know they are looking out for you. The real reason you are here is because you are just too goddamn lazy to make your own meal. Reading these reviews makes you aware of just how unhappy people are in everyday life and you need to realize you are just at a filling station loading up on calories to give you energy to survive. Where are all the critics to follow up on these vittle emporiums after people jettison their spent fuel to give you the skinny on the cleanliness of their porcelain thrones? 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s