BALDNESS

4/22/2021 

A few terms of endearment for those that lack a cranium cover (hair) include: chrome dome, cue ball, mirror mug, follicly challenged, skullet (bald on top, long hair on sides: skull+mullet), hair apparent, male pattern badass, mid-life Chrysler and, during hot temperatures when sweating occurs, a salt lick for a giraffe. These less than compassionate adjectives and nouns are meant to be humorous in describing alopecia (the medical term for loss of hair), but slang was invented to poke fun at or ridicule an individual who deviates from the norm. When a young male who has a full mane starts to go bald, primarily due to genetics, panic ensues. When chemical treatments are started, trichologists and dermatologists start ordering new Beemers (BMW’s) by slowing down the hair loss rate but cannot stop it. The blueprint (DNA) is in command of the creature and the assembly line of life will build the model as directed. Man always looks to interfere for profit and creates businesses that will take money from people who are unhappy with their format. Hair is grown in specific places by nature who’s been at this game for billions of years and understands the rules. For young men who bald early, this is the reason: you were bred to be a warrior. Nature supplied you with a mane to swoon a mate and replicate. After that, your hair loss was preparing you for battle to protect your offspring. Hair on the scalp is a liability in battle for it can be grabbed and used by an adversary to bring you to the ground where you are vulnerable. Certain warring tribes would scalp their victims as a souvenir but needed a hand full of hair to exercise this ritual. No hair? Not fair! Surveys have shown that totally bald men are considered more sexier than partially bald men because it indicates to the female that individual is more likely to survive a fight to protect his family. Another plus is when performing cunnilingus, the bald guy’s head doubles as a pleasure mirror.

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