TOMBSTONES

8/27/2021   

When driving by the numerous cemeteries that enhance the highways’ edges, 1 notices that you have 2 choices for grave markings. You can order the flaccid package that sits flush with the cemetery’s lawn, or you can go fully erect and have your name visible to all the visitors on your personalized granite rock. The landscaping contractor who bid on maintaining the grounds would prefer that you chose the flaccid model, so he can run his riding lawn mower right over your dead ass. The time saved in not cutting around a block of rock, will earn him more profit which will ultimately show up as a big, massive tombstone for himself when he heads for the worm buffet. These fully erect ego monuments create a lot of extra work for the landscaping crews. It forces them to use hand mowers and string trimmers to get in and around those stone billboards all for the boring bastards beneath. This creates more air pollutants that cause higher atmospheric temperatures, more melting glaciers, and, as a result: underwater cemeteries, which are hard to visit. In order to prevent this ecological disaster, erect headstones have been banned by all world governments and alternative methods to find dead people in a sea of grass have been implemented. Hologram projection is one method of creating 3D monuments that the electric riding mowers just plow right through. Another method is: carbon fiber tombstones having spring loaded bases that deflect the monument flat to the ground when the lawnmowers hit them. Some skill is required so as not to grind away the person’s name with the spinning blades. The 3rd method is the borrow pit cemetery. Local governments own their own quarries for road maintenance. At the low spot of a failing quarry, coffins can be stacked up and covered with broken concrete. As the lower coffins are covered, another layer of dead dudes are added, and the cycle repeats until the pit is full. A large directory with all the deceased names stands at the entrance. DONE! 

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