CHILI

10/24/2021

The consensus is that somewhere in the 1700’s, somebody jumped into a ship from the Canary Islands and somehow made their way to the Alamo; not to fight for Texas independence, but rather to introduce a new spicey dish known as chili. Comprised mostly of various types of peppers sauteed with tomatoes, it produced a mild burning sensation and was probably used for medicinal purposes. As some pepper plants require the wind for fertilization, and 6 to 8 hours of sunlight, Texas became the ideal geography. Humans are naturally competitive, so it didn’t take long to improve the product. Being from the Canary Islands, where the main language is Spanish, the word chili is the word for the fruit of the pepper plant. Con means “with,” and the Spanish word for meat is “carne.” When a vaquero (cowboy) threw in some rabbit or rattlesnake meat to add some stock, you got: chili con carne. After that, it was up to the chefs to originate new ingredients to get a heartier broth. Pasta soon made the cut, so the Italians threw in noodles. Rattlesnake and rabbit were soon replaced with fresh dead cattle and beef was the thing. All was golden until someone thought it would be a good idea to throw in an alternative vegetable that had protein at its core. Once the legumes were introduced, the competition exploded, literally. As the beans were digested, a methane factory of gas formed in the intestines and was held back by the sphincter muscle. Soon the overpressure was released, and rapid vibration of the anus and ass checks ensued. The fatal farts started flying. With jet velocities attained, the destructive chemistry of the intestines showed up as a disgusting stench. Between vibrating crotch parts and the repulsive stench of a dead animal, chili cookoffs became a contest that attracted millions of contestants. As females got involved, they had additional crotch components that vibrated uncontrol-labially. The feminine napkin was originally designed as an effective chili silencer.

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