The year is 1975, the location is LaCrosse, We-can-sin, and the subject is: DRINKING. The oldest discovery of an alcoholic drink by scientists is 7,000 BCE. Its residue was detected in ancient Chinese pottery and has shown up in the livers of mankind for the next 9,000 years. It appears to be an engrained behavior in humanity due to its pain killing characteristics, in both neurological and emotional situations, and can lead to some interesting stories to retell without too much embellishment. Here is 1: The 4 main characters are Disney knockoffs: Wop, Bonehead, Pole-lock, and Dopey. The foursome crawled into a late 60’s, Cadillac tank, fully loaded with beer, and took off Friday afternoon for a 210-mile romp to OCTOBERFEST in LaCrosse. This celebration in a picturesque college town on the Mississippi River, usually generates around 300 arrests on this festive weekend. The 4 Dwarfs were heading there to be impartial observers for this rambunctious occasion (NOT). As the miles disappeared behind the trunk and the beer drained down the gullet, much discussion occurred about politics and world peace. Somehow, it exited the mouth as impressive female conquests with the vast majority of it being purified bullshit. Sex is a trap, and these clowns were skipping through their stories like quicksand dancers. As the LaCrosse exit appeared, beer and gas replenishment followed, along with the discharge of the last 10 beers. The male prostate gland is a poorly designed donut that defies common sense. In youth it is small yet can produce quarts of seminal fluid 4 times a day. In old age, this cancer retaining UFO (unused fucking organ), grows to the size of a flying saucer, dries up, and makes you dribble your piss into your shorts 24/7. Although the bladder can still hold 24 ounces of used beer, the strangulated urethra screams nonstop, and toilets become your best friend. After unloading a full stream of porcelain cracking urine, the young Dwarfs jumped back in the Caddy.

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