SANTA

12/29/2021  

Once upon a crime, there existed a professional burglar named Santiago Angelo Nicola Tommaso Andretti, or SANTA, for short. This Italian thief was an expert cat burglar who usually attained entry into affluent residences through the main heating systems of the times. They were called fireplaces. Utilizing a bright red asbestos fire suit to endure the heated portal, SANTA would climb down the chimneys in the very early morning when the fire was dwindling. After gaining access, he would ransack the residence, putting the items under his suit and within a large heat-resistant sack that he carried with him. Quick as an Easter bunny, SANTA would rifle through drawers and cabinets and grab anything and everything in sight only to sort the booty later at his cabin up north. He employed short people who were vertically-denied and were largely ignored by society in general. These ELFs (Extremely Little Freaks) were thankful to have a job and displayed absolute loyalty to the only man who recognized the ELFs as real people. They spent many hours grinding off serial numbers and changing paint schemes in SANTA’S chop shop as he donated most of his stolen possessions to their children and relatives of the ELF klan. A promoter of Robin Hood ideals, SANTA did what no rich person did; he donated surplus material acquisitions to people in need. It can be said that some of the affluent people did give certain items away, but only for tax deductions. SANTA filled a void by stealing from the rich and giving to the poor, thereby enabling the rich to file insurance claims and going out to buy more shit for SANTA to steal. Years ago, 2 detectives caught SANTA coming out of a rich bastard’s mansion and tried to arrest him. An army of ELFs surrounded them and threatened to kill all the detective’s relatives if they apprehended their god. The 2 cops backed down from all those little Italians and this was the very beginning of the Major Assaults & Felonies In America, or MAFIA, for short