STATE OF THE ONION

3/5/2022 

By tradition and not by decree, a President usually gives a speech about the current condition of the United Salads of Agriculture. With pumped up pomp, this pep rally of the incumbent party takes place in either January or February of each year. This way the vegetables living in all 50 Salads will know how great the future will become for them. The proud President stands triumphantly in front of his 2 favorite fruits: the Vice Pear and the Strawberry of the House and addresses the rest of the vittles that have gathered in the National Cropitol. Whenever the Cauliflower in Chief says something stupid, the matching party members of the House of Radishes and the House of Staples stand with a vegetable medley ovation for 20 seconds and then sit back in their bins. The entire hour is a fiasco of faked finesse and unwarranted, cheezy behavior. Any educated citizen of the United Salads of Agriculture should see the ridiculousness of this ritual as the lies roll off the tongue like heads of lettuce on a conveyor belt. But alas, the incumbent party dedication that can see no wrongdoings with their elected officials, cheer favorably in their comfortable gardens at home. The only foodstuffs that need to be celebrating are the minimally few and maximally rich that are going to get another wheelbarrow load of fertilizers dumped in their plots. Adding just enough water to this scenario will grow their “greens” to insane numbers. The insignificant vegetables smile because they’ll be growing minutely alongside the big fruits. Little do they know that, in time, they will be picked clean and tossed aside like a salad by the heavy harvesters known as: The Wall Sweep Gang. After 1 hour, it becomes difficult to watch this parade of empty promises, while the supporting cast of back slappers also tire of smiling, standing, clapping, and then sitting. Most have expended more energy in this 60-minute workout than they did in their entire careers. Just a shit show of shame. 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s