The Western World carried a heavy load when they decided to produce cheap food, and people soon became pathetically plump. Crapitalists surmised that big citizens would generate more revenue from additional clothing demands, increased food consumption, and more medical procedures for obesity diseases. They were spot on. For every yin, there is a yang; and in world of fat, there is flatulence, and weight loss industries. Named after fictitious people and strange diets, these Jenny Craigs and Paleolithic diets offer expensive plans that rarely keeps the lost weight from coming back. The problem is that food is 1 of the last pleasures that human beings can experience because it tastes so damn good. With cardboard flavors and tofu textures, diet foods will create a more svelte you, but cheating on your diet with an 800-calorie hot fudge sundae loaded with saturated and trans fats becomes the problem. A new corporation has surfaced to eliminate this inherent risk; it’s known as the G.W. WEIGHT LOSS DIET. Named after our first President, George Washington, this diet incorporates a radical plan that includes an iron clad guarantee for keeping the weight off. Utilizing George’s integrity and his historical notoriety as having wooden dentures, this company signs you on and proceeds to rip out all your teeth. You are then sent off to a local cabinet shop to be fitted with wooden choppers. The finished dentures come in a multitude of wood species. Hickory, oak, and pecan head the hardwoods, while white pine, larch, and redwood are the most requested soft woods. The wooden munchers are carved on a CNC machine for accuracy and detailing, while the epoxy finishes are applied from glossy to flat. Each set of wooden mashers are a work of art that enhances the owner’s smile. The way that these teeth create weight loss is due to the repurposing of the lumber. All boards selected were previously used in outhouses and impart a disgusting, shitty flavor into ALL foods.